How Hard is to Live

 Dairy of a single person 

Dear diary 

Today I suddenly felt low, I don’t know why I feel so low but then to find my answer I started wondering what am I feeling sad all of a sudden?? Then the answer hit me that from I don’t know where the thought got stuck into my mind that I don’t have any money. I know , I know this is not a new thought as it’s been log long time that I have been living without money and still I’m alive. Surprise! But that felt bad at the bottom of my heart, it felt that you don’t have any money to get anything for myself. I can’t buy new clothes, I can’t buy she’s, I can’t buy purse or makeup or jewellery or pen or copy or any other thing if I need it. How am I surviving in this life? 

I know that it’s stupid to think about all this stuff as long as you have roof or loaf of bread in your mouth. Most people will say that how stupid are you even though you don’t have such things but still you have your mother’s house where you can hide and get something to eat, and be contended and satisfied. I know that all words thoughts points stared by you all are right. I am living to quiet life with not so much of hustle but still, am I not human being who have life, who have mind, heart dreams or needs???? Why can’t I thought all this,???? 

To be honest I am loving a life where i don’t dream, I don’t thought of anything to have my own. I have been through the process that where I have stopped aspiring for what I like, what I want, what I need. I have lived deprived live for so long that even though I like something I took it’s picture and keep it in my phone for few days look at it daily and then delete it. Why?? Because I know I can’t have it, I can’t own it. Even though I’m not that strong on this point of accepting the fact that I can’t own those things but still trying to suppress my heart and prefer my mind, it’s difficult that sometimes it became so over bearing that tears automatically came out from my eyes to my cheeks at then I realise that  I am crying. 

I know people live without all things even without their loved ones too, I’m my eyes they are the blessed people who don’t miss not having all goods of life. I wish I could have had enough power to help all people who don’t have what I have and help them to get what I am hoping to get for myself. There is no harm in dreaming good for others as well as well for yourself. I have never been outside of my city why? Because I don’t have any relatives there nor do I have enough money to travel around. I have never been into airplane, why? Because I am not rich enough for such luxury, I can say that I’m not capable to have most of the luxuries of the life because I am not rich, to have good things in your life you have to be rich. Most rich people will not agree with me because they have no experience of living a life to worries and not having enough to have something. 

 I am thankful of my mother who has been supporting pillar of my life. Only because of her I am alive and living a life with a roof and food in my plate otherwise I would have been dying with starvation or got killed by violent husband. The phone I use is bought by her the clothes I wear is from her money. Hope to earn enough to pay her back with lots of love and bring smile on her face that yes mother I can do this. I will do and make you have and get all the luxuries of life which I can’t have now, the car, clothes, shoes, food, jewellery and all she could wish to have. I am not ungrateful person, I am struggling to live, I am trying to be strong, I am trying to overcome my hardships that’s all 

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